I think I like xagna....sorry sengu!!! please at least visit it once though! hee just to TRY and keep up? lol. likie:

384

Sorry everybody.....I truely am!.!.!

Last signing(maybe!?)
suzanne

for any one interrested my new blog links so far are:

In the Mo (personal)
Stanza (poems)

you know....just incase you want to tell me what you think of them (they feel so empty compared to tblog....le sigh)
suzanne

Well, Ii'm back from vacation. why waste my time descriping a vacation I'm not sure i enjoyed? lol, I enjoyed it but still, vacationing with mother never can be all too enjoyable, there were times I wish I could scream, and one time I nearly wanted to cry. argh. well anyways...

I did switch blogs because i was so friggen bord that one day >< but not to xanga, sorry. I switched to blogger. Im not sure if I like it or not...I'm basicly just testing out other blogs. It looks nice, blogger and all, and has a lot of cool features. I can email posts and they get on my blog, i can text message them from my phone, and I can even call a number and leave a message and it will but put up on my site as an MP3. i'm not sure if i'll keep it or not so heres the deal: i'll still post here only because I love you my friends oh so much, but i'll be wondering around for a while looking for a new host to join, if I can't find one/don't want to leave, I won't leave you. but I really would like a new host....i'm sorry sengu!!! :'( and I only got 2 votes on what to do, maybe I don't have as many friends here as I would like to think? lol, oh well! I have more than none and that is good for me! hee hah...

bye byes..
suzanne

just as another thought: Im getting quite upset with a lot of ppl on tblog having very grotesque blogs and as much as I love Tblog to death, how many of you would mind If i moved my blog to a different blog site and gave you all a link so you could still keep up to date with me? I don't want to loose you guys who actually comment to me, i love you all!!! you make me feel noticed! but i'm really getting upset with how Tblog is run....so, comment me on this okay? how many of you would it really bother if I started a blog on a different blog host? I won't leave Tblog unless nobody cares, lol. I just feel bad if I have to loose my nearly a year worth of posts(I started this blog in august of last year) and such good friends who comment on my poems and on my life and everything. so, to move or not to move?

suzanne

I couldn't put the subject all I wanted it to be so the whole thing is, "Your feelings sink in and your head drops right down to the lowest point, almost as low as your heart but not as low, right above your heart"

I don't feel good. Its one of those near-depression feelings. where you sort of think "is everything I'm doing worth while? am i getting anywhere with my life?" or maybe I'm the only one that gets this...le sigh. I saw batman last night. loved it to death. totaly. the best. lol. But I just don't feel too great. Sort of empty, useless, worthless. of coarse on any other given day I don't feel like the happiest person alive either, but still...lol. Maybe i'm just getting sick of things again? Sick of doing the same thing everyday, sick of certain ppl. Still haven't broken up with james, I realy should, one of these days....I'm leaving for florida friday at like 6 in the fucking moring. I won't be back till about the 28th so no posts in that time rang sorry :'( unless I can convince my mom to bring the laptop and I can plug it in some where, or they have computers at the hotel.

I'm really getting pissed off at my summer. I have no fucking idea when i'm having my birthday party. I don't even want to invite some of the people i'm inviting, but I have to invite them. I'm only inviting Augusta, kaila, matt, and elena. I don't really want to invite kaila but i have to or else theres an argument i'll be getting in to. Elena might be out of town when I have it(she is currently in England, she said she's bringing me bakc some pounds. Shes coming back for a week, then going to Bolivia). so it might end up being a crappy party like last year. last year it was just me kaila and elena and it wasn't that much fun...

Well anyways I think I'm going to try and write a poem out of randomness, but I feel like posting lyrics so...

girl anachronism
By: The Dresden Dolls

you can tell
from the scars on my arms
and cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest of girls

you can tell
from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and i keep on breaking more
and it looks like i am shaking
but it's just the temperature
and then again
if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i could act my age
but i dont think that youd believe me
it's
not
the
way
i'm
meant
to
be
it's just the way the operation made me

and you can tell
from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that i ate
came a couple years too late
and ive got some issues to work through
there i go again
pretending to be you
make-believing
that i have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince you
it was accidentally on purpose

i am not so serious
this passion is a plagiarism
i might join your century
but only on a rare occasion
i was taken out
before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world's worst accident
i am the girl anachronism

and you can tell
by the red in my eyes
and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair
and the bathtub full of flies
that i'm not right now at all
there i go again
pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors
cause they've seen it all before
they'll say just
let
her
crash
and
burn
she'll learn
the attention just encourages her

and you can tell
from the full-body cast
that i'm sorry that i asked
though you did everything you could
(like any decent person would)
but i might be catching so don't touch
you'll start believeing youre immune to gravity and stuff
don't get me wet
because the bandages will all come off

and you can tell
from the smoke at the stake
that the current state is critical
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day, its just the way the medication makes her...

i dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so i might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
i was too precarious removed as a caesarian
behold the worlds worst accident
I AM THE GIRL ANACHRONISM

Thats all...
suzanne

I got some little ideas about my dream from people and from dream dictionarys, i just have no idea what to make of the dream now that I know what it means... so i'm going to put everything i got out of it up here!

I think, that the room your sitting in, is suppose to represent your life, as viewed by some part of you. Something in you doesn't know why you, or it, is living, and doesn't really see meaning in any of it. The thumb tack... I think your blaming yourself for whatever mental scars you may have...(after I had asked her a question about what she had said)...No, not exactly. The first part is right, but the second part not so much... You have mental scars, and you're watching you give them to yourself in the dream ( you think that whatever scars you have, are your fault ) --my friend Amanda

To dream that you are inflicting pain to yourself,  indicates that you are experiencing some overwhelming turmoil or problems in your waking life. You are trying to disconnect yourself from your reality by concentrating on the pain that you inflicted to yourself.To dream that you are wearing a white dress, suggests that you want to appear pure and angelic toward others.--DreamMoods.com

Thats Basiclly all I have for now...Maybe some one else has a suggestion? I'll probably end up writting a poem/song about the dream because its so freaky, hee hee

suzanne

PS: I realized I didn't mention this in my dream description below, but in the dream I was in a very empty room(or no where, who knows) and I was in a white nightgown/dress of a sort.

Me playing guitar. I think I was trying to play a pink floyd song, I forget which one though....

Heres a picture of my cat, Pancho. He's very cute and really little and the most annoying cat I've had. Worse than my other cat noah. He darts right out into the road and then comes back, over and over again. i guess he's triyng to figure out how many times he has to do that till he gets hit, lol.

suzannechan

It's 8:30 in the morning. I had to wake up because I'm watching my step neice again -_- I'm sooo tired. and I'm hungry, but I probably won't eat for a while ><

To have something to talk about, i had this weird dream last night. I was pushing thumb tacks into all different spot on my body, and even though it hurt(you know how you can some how "Feel" what happens in you dream?) I was still doing it. like i did it on my ankle on my right leg, on my shoulder, on my hand, for specific places I remeber. It was weird like the dream was me just sitting something, thinly dressed, and "stabbing"(athough not in a violent IN....OUT. way. it was like sort of casual. push in. pull out. sort of slow. weird I remeber this huh?) myself. I also had a dream later that I was with some band and we were going to record or like it was my band or something. and i was going to get my guitar, and my dad had done something to it and the strings were all bent, and then i later found out there was like a whole in the side of it! in my dream i was about to cry! my poor guitar! -_- lol

I have no idea what either of those dreams mean, but i've always been strong on dreams meaning something, so i guess i'll have to look it up, huh? I'm not sure whats going on with me other wise...If james is on today i HAVE TO break up with him. I still have no idea if i'm going to see matt today(i'm supposed to see batman begins with him, i really really want to!) cause everything got all screwed up so i have no idea if he is going with me or with some one else or what....ehhh confusing isn't it?

I suppose thats all for now, I have some pictures I'll put in another post. one of me playing my guitar, the other my kittie kittie, lol. bye byes

toodleoddle
suzannechan

well see, john isn't the guy i'm dating. James is. John is his friend/sort of best friend. I really didn't even know anything was going on with james, so i would have broken up with him THAT DIE if i hadn't been so scared. I don't think he'll kill himself i mean.....MAYBE but...idk. doubt it. john just doesn't want him killing himself. cause james thinks he's in love with me, lol. and i am not in love with him the least bit. John is sort of controling but...right now he's looking out for james. I can break up wednessday anyways, and its not like I'll see james till then anyways right now...

suzanne

yeah I feel pretty hopeless. Spoke to john about when to break up with james, I can on wednessday ><" i swear to god if he goes and kills himself I don't know what I will do. he seriously thinks its love. he's told me a bunch of times that the most important people in his life are me and his grandmother.

PS to Im a Fool: I'm not a big fan of pink actually. purple, red, neon green, basicly anything but the former ><

I actually dreamed last night. I dreamed a lot. and guess who it was about? well it was a weird dream, but i remember matt was in it. but it was a VERY strange screwed up dream. about the only thing i strongly remember is that mad said "there was this girl over there who liked vampires and was talking about her father..." and me and my friend go, "Thats diana! stay away!" we don't like diana anymore. after she became my new stalker crush *shivers* and she was no help with me si-ing.

to start from no where, I love music so much. lol. my kittie kittie names poncho is very cute. hee hee very random ness.

yes but as i said the hopelessness flows into me and doesn't feel all too pleasent....le sigh. thats all for now.

sayonara toodlie-oodlies
suzanne

more difficult ness with james. john says i can't break up with him *yet* because it'll crush him a lot and he's already pretty low because he has to go back to court over his parents. sooo. i have to wait. great. I can't wait too long. and i've decided, I'll probably never be with matt, ever. so I just have to get over him as soon as possible. on one hand i'm doomed never to be in love but on the other hand, there is lizzy. shes just so far away its too hard...

suzanne

PS: sengu--good luck with that ;-)

Sorry that I haven't posted, at my momies we only have dial up and tblog is really really slow so I guess I'll only post if i'm at my dads. I found out that I can't cut with an exto knife thing...lol. I can, but i was scared to. I guess i don't like the sharp things....but thats good, sorta. good from the point of veiw that at least i can't cut with sharp things, bad cause i wish i could, sort of i do...lol. makes sense? no

I'd say the only thing bugging me lately is james. lol. I want to break up with him. badly. But i haven't talk to him in weeks...I just don't want to be with anyone. I guess....he's going to like die when I break up with him. He thinks he's in love with me, that this simple thing is love....at first I was worried about that and wasn't going to break up with him just for his sake but then...I just never wanted to be with him. and i knew if i didn't break up i would have to. its insane, everytime I go out with soe one I then don't want to be with them...

and on the other hand, I would love to go out with Matt. But he has enough on his hands. Tasha, nibbles, I'm keeping away from it. I know i don't have much of a chance with him right now, because he has nibbles and all but...I try to block out my feelings for him and make me think at least he is happy but i keep getting jealious...*sigh* i'm trying just to think, well at least i'm very good friends with him. Then i might have him forever, longer than any girlfriend would. of coarse if we went out, that might kill our friend ship. I would hate for that to happen, but I can't sort out my feelings...

And either way I've come to the conclusion that Lizzy is the only one that can make me happy and I am completely good with. I wouldn't know whether that is true to matt, I haven't gone out with him. but still....what ever. idk...lol.

I'm writting a story, and its going very kick ass, hee hee. So far I have 3 chapters 30 pages, and like 10,000 something words. huzzah to me! lol. umm....I finally tabbed the song "six stitches" I'm just waiting for when chriss comes around so i can play it for him, lol. since i'm 'supposed' to be in a band with him >< well thats all!!!

toodles!
suzanne

PS: if you would like to read my story, go HERE ! lol. and if you do read it, could you comment on it? thankies!

i have a lot of things i could put on here....lol...

the colors are bleeding now
giving a path to follow
but will we even follow it?
or just think it lies like everything else?
and the colors bleed one color
red...

suzanne

Chriss came over for a while, that was fun. Then kaila and ali joined us, that was fun too but i felt lonely...dunno why. and we were supposed to go to the mall tonight but we can't, so i tihnk we might be going tomorrow morning(if i don't have to watch my brother/niece) but with my luck I'll not be able to go...*sigh* yeah ,lol, open a new wound maybe? I feel like it but i know I shouldn't sooo....

Lol, funny story though, we lit a paper plate on fire in the barbeque. it was like covered in lighter flued. and then my brother came to the back door. MAN, i thought i was dead! but luckly we *some how* managed to put it out and no one found out!!! *snicker* hee hee hee me and meh evil self. lol, such a pire. wells, g'night everybody! hey, I wonder. do I have any "lost" fans out there too?(lost, as in the show by the guy who made alis) I LOVE CHARLEY!!! he's fun ^-^ lol toodl-oodle!

Suzanne

well, sad to admit it, I cut again. although i'm not totaly surprised, its not like i stopped right? i just didn't cut, lol. so i've started again. yeah, i hate myself for it...but what are you going to do? at least I won't get caught this time, lol. umm...lets see. well i'm getting really worried over me-james. i have no idea WHY since everything is pretty much perfect. Im just paranoid about screwing things up now...lol, kind of stupid, huh? oh well....I'm hungry right now, but i don't really feel like eating either...hm... ohs wells, i should probably eat, it would be bad if i stopped eating again...well i think thats it. i'll type in a song for y'all...

"tribute"

This song is my tribute
to the days that are over
and the long nights I have
so please don't tell me it was worthless

this song is in memory
of the nights I've cried
and wondered of dying
so don't say its pointless

this is my tear drop to
all the words said that meant nothing
to the feelings left to die
so don't say it's foolish

Try to keep together,
and stay like you are
but please, do go changing on me
i won't mind, really I won't
so heres to you

this is my foot print I leave in the sand
that marks the jokes and the pain
and everything else there is
so please, this wasn't stupid

this is my promise to
all the good times
and especially the other ones
so please, don't ever forget

this is my ticket to the years ahead
to ge older and better
and grow a real mind
so don't laugh at me now, i'm just trying

Try to keep together,
and stay like you are
but please, do go changing on me
i won't mind, really I won't
so heres to you

I wrote that in honor of our(me and all my friends) two years in middle school. its not the best thing i wrote, but I like it...

Suzanne~

well i was planning on giving you guys some more poetry and I just never got around to it, so, heres you go. well, this ones actually a song:

Six Stitchs

These six stitches
are the only thing left to keep me together
They bend and curve
but they are always the same

six silver stitches
left in my skin
infected and bleeding
but they don't give in

Six silver stitches
strung up my back and tied in
six silver stitches
I play them when I need

Six little stitches
closing off my biens
they pull so tight I get scared
they might just snapp away

Six deadly stitches
carving into my hands and out
plucked like a marionette
I follow there every word

six silver stitches
twisted to perfect tune and sound
six silver stitches
I play them now and hope not to bleed

and when I feel myself pull in
the stitches grow much thicker
they grow and the pull
and they pull me inside and pull tight
till
they
snap
and then i'm bleeding inside
the pain grows with them
my six broken stitches

-------
note that "six stitches" also refers to the six strings of a guitar and not just stitches ^-^

this silent heart of mine
its broken and its burning
so should I leave me in your hands?
my trust is in your arms
and my life is on the floor
just lying for my, dying for me
spilt for love and death
should i lend my soul to the reaper
or trust you as my new keeper?
I feel that with my life on the floor
and being in such a risk
I'll loose me either way
so please just go away
my loneliness just feels better

there! a poem and a song for your liking! I have another song I wrote, a pretty good one, but i'm not sure, to put it up or not to...its a bit of a long song, i'll put it in another time...

toodl-oo now!

yeah, I finally got to bed last night, damn though was it hard I kept worrying about james. But i did finally get to sleep. redid the page. I woke up really bad this morning though. the phone rigns, i get up, its mom. man did I cry, she just beat me with her words. I hate it SO much! I was really pissed off, should have posted but didn't feel like it. yeah the page looks fun and all ^-^ well dad called me so i'm gunna leave this at what it is bye bye!!!

toodl-oodles

I just woke up, I was nicely asleep in my bed till I had a fucking nightmare. So i decided not to go back to bed and find something pleasent to do online, sadly i'm the only one who woke up at four in the morning and got on the internet, so there is nothing to do. I figured I'd go around checking sites, and this is one I haven't been to in friggen a while, lol. schools out for me *wh00p* so its boring as hell. still, once again, a lot of shit has happened. But its still me inside i swear to god it is!!! lol. I'm going to try and keep more up-to-date with you all my buddies on here. so why not start now with important info you might have missed?

1. still going out with James
2. I've had a first kiss!(wasn't as horridle amazing as one would thinks since it lasted maybe 2 secounds, shall talk more on that later)
3. Still as fucked up as ever
4. was not given happy pills, stupid theripist thinks i'm not suicidal, oh, well, good for her. not so awsome for me.
5. have basically stopped cutting, but i'm pretty sure if i was given the chance and no one cared I would, so not exactly that awsome but at least I'm not.
6. actually getting pretty damn good on the guitar.

I can't tihnk of anything else....I know! those of you who followed me through shit, if i left off any thing you would like to know, ask me(i can't remember half the shit I post about on here anyway, lol)

Right now I really want to go back to sleep, but i'm one of those people that will start thinking about their nightmare once they've laid back down, and then your tossing and turning trying to stop thinking about it, but you still are so you end up sitting up and freaking out and lalalala so i jsut said fuck that, and turned on my computer. It was a weird dream. Stupid, but scared me. lol, Aliens. You would figure stupid crap like that wouldn't scare you, but i've even been scared and not wanting to go back to sleep simply with a dream of some one trying to kill me/my parents. and it wasn't even that scary of a dream. I'm scared of crap like that. lol. nutty aren't we?

I'm trying to make this as long as possible cause i need to waste time, get so tired iI'll fall in bed and go right to sleep(as if). The sad thing is, is I know james is probably still awake too....He has sleep trouble, he's too worried to fall asleep, wakes up every hour. I told him he seriously seriously needs to go to a doctor and all but he hates doctors and he's been getting by just fine like this so he doens't want to. but it worries me, I mean he goes talking about it like its no big deal but you KNOW he wishes to death he could have one normal nights rest. I think its just because he lives with his grandmother, her could basicly pass any given night. that scares me to death too, i'm so scared his grandmother will die, because he'll be in a complete reck because his grandmother is like his only family. his mom is basicly crazy to him(mean and all that, sorta like my mom) and from what i've heard his dad is slightly abusive. And james just over all hates his family, except his grandmother, he's lived with her like his whole life. and if shes gone, he's just going to freak. pluss he'll have to live with his mom or his dad, and that probably isn't too good either. I worry about him with all that stuff...

Well, i have to go to bed, just got caught being up in the middle of the night so, bye bye, maybe a post in the morning?

toodl-oo

I just got back from the mothers day weekend vacation with my mom. it wasn't boring, but it wasn't fun either. I liked arts and crafts they had, i made a bunch of stuff but i was real pissed at how annoying all the little little kids at the hotel were. it was SO funny how the kids would act and the parents would just do nothing. I'll explain more later, i really don't feel like typing i just want to listen to music and wait to regain contact with my friends(no internet for the whole weekend wasn't bad, i just love my friends so dearly *sniff sniff*).

I will say i failed, i hate myself for it, and i'm not so sure how thats going to go over in the next few days, so far i'm just OK. I know right now for you guys that makes absolutly no sense, ha ha, but i'll explain it later on when i get back here.

no one really reads my blog anymore, except some random people I really don't know that then ask to be my Tfriend(or w/e tf that is) and i just say yes, and sengu. well, lizzy just forgets to come and read it, lol. and i don't read other peoples blogs(i don't know why, i'm bord enough too) it just feels weird to me to pick up someones "life" right at the middle, i want to go back and read it all but i'm too lazy to do that. so if any of you want me to read your blog, i won't just go and do it sorry i know i'm mean XD but if you ask for me to like read your poetry on your blog or just read your blog or something I might. I enjoy just sitting around and screaming along to music now though, so no telling if i ever will, lol. ohs wells, toodl-oo

suzanne

subjected after the lovely song by the dresden dolls. I feel like i'm gunna cry. i'm not even depressed or sad about anything really, but i wanna cry and i really could just let loose and go at myself. I think james doesn't like me very much anymore, or i'm not his type, or he thinks i'm ignorring him. its something like that, idk what the truth is though...just heard things from a bunch of people. i feel sick and sad and pissed. so i'm just gunna sit around or something ummm...thats my update. only like 15 days toll school is over, hee hee ^^

suzanne

IDK how much i've said on here so i'll just recap everything thats happened. I broke up with lizzy, for the better, but we are still best best best best friends. Me and james are going out now, lol, after i found out he liked me and all. no one cares(or rather is upset) that we're going out. yeah andrew was pissed for a while but hey, thats andrew. umm...lets see...we're all going to see H2G2 on friday, the permeir and all ^^ it'll be awsome. I'm hoping smiley can come along, i've been dying to meet him. thinks kind of feel in and all. lol, um lets see. I'm not cutting anymore. good, yes? I mean not to say i don't want to >< but hey, so far i haven't so....i guess i'm good then? James got in the arguement with some kid at school so there going to duke it out, i guess. john is going along to help out. I don't think he should be fighting but i tried to tell him not to and he just said don't worry and all. wtf am i supposed to do? I just odn't wanting him getting bloodied up. ummm... my new therist helps a lot, but i seem to get aggitated really easily when my parents ask "what did you talk about?" and won't accept the answer "we talked about stuff". OH! i saw shelly today! i was so happy! I miss her so much and i actually got to see her! i was really pissed at her for a while but now i'm just like w/e and all. she's coming back! she's coming back next year! she's being home schooled now and i miss her a lot...she is so fun! lol.

what else?..............lol, dot dot dot ish. idk. i feel weird. I hate a lot of stuff now. i hate me, i hate school, i hate coming home, i hate talking to my dad, i hate talking, i hate seeing my mom. I just hate doing a lot of stuff. I wish i could lock myself in my room a lot of times, how nuts is thaT? I mean ijust wanna either lock myself in my room and never come out cause i'm pissed off for no reason. i also want to perfect being the silent type. I mean i enjoy talking to people but it started pissing me off because....idk. if i wouldn't talk so much maybe I wouldn't feel so bad all the time. thats all hard to explain, lol, so i'll just enver mind then. i guess thats it...maybe i'll keep more up-to-date on here? hope so...well toodle-oo...

scuzie

well, things are better. my parents know, my theripist knows. etc, lots more friends know. shit has happened you know but i'm too hyper to explain it all, so in short 1. me and lizzy decided that because of *stuff* we'll just be friends. the internet is so hard, so we're going to be best friends, till we CAN be together. 2. i have a SUPER crush on james!!!! hee hee hee(so i'm bi now, not gay XD~~~ ohs wells w/e)uuuuuuuum thats it? idk. oh well, thats it for now then!!! cya and maybe later i'll update more on whats going on--------------

suzannechan

well now, i've gotten it all figured out now, heres what is going to happen: since i am too much of a shy person to tell anyone i cut,i'm having kaila do it from me. She's going to go to the counclers on monday or tuesday, when ever she can, and very nonchalantly(sp) tell her that I cut, and that she wants to help me and wel...basicly what ever else she wants. so, that ultimitly will get my parents to know, and me the help i need. I know i won't like the aftermath but kaila said no matter what i say now, she's going to tell the councler, so i feel a little better. maybe this will be over sooner than I though? I checked out the book "cut" from my school library.I've already read it, but i felt like re-reading it, not that i...have a relation with it more than i did before. pluss i have nothing better to do than read now-a-days so i want a lot to read. Well, i have stuff to do, i'm just very lazy/lethargic with it all. I really don't want to do anything, or i'm too depressed to -_-" thats all, wish me luck ^^ cya

suzannechan

Yeah, its a hell....I went to the theripist yesturday, and i didn't tell her that i cut, or that i am a cutter. I couldn't, i didn't know how to say it i was hoping to death she would ask and she didn't, and before i knew it, it was over. So i'm screwed. i won't see her till next saturday. I can't last that long not telling anyone idk wtf i'm going to do but i seriously feel like i'm just going insane or something. and i mean, okay stopping on my own is a good little choice, but then how the hell am i supposed to lie abotu the scars? and not only that but i think this proves even more that I have depression. so...I want it to be known. jamiee says i need to tell my parents. how?! idk what to do....its so...I hate it so much i'm just going to pop or something. I wish it was winter so bad again so i oculd get away with wearing a hoodie. well..thats it...i guess....><" help? maybay?

suzannechan~